The journey begins ..

I went to bed last night with every intention of having a long luxurious sleep before work this morning, but my brain woke me up, as it does from time to time, and said, “Hey, let’s stay up and mull over every single bad decision we’ve ever made!”   So, we did what my brain wanted and here I am. 

Let me start by saying I have made my share of bad decisions, and probably a couple other peoples’ shares, in my lifetime, but who hasn’t, right?   Even through the myriad of bad decisions that I have made over the years, I have but one real problem with myself and that is my weight.  I have a tendency to eat my feelings – and when you’re an emotional and passionate kinda girl who moves rather enthusiastically from one bad decision to the next, that doesn’t generally end well.   I’ve fluctuated back and forth and back and forth for years, losing a bunch and then putting it back on, but never coming anywhere near my goal weight.  I get to the same place each time – and stall out.   I think there’s a mental block that keeps me from moving past this stage of weight loss.  I used to be rather thin and attracted a lot of the wrong men, the ones that weren’t really interested in knowing me .. just in having me.   I think fear of going back to that keeps me here in this little prison I’ve built for myself.  Logically, I know that it doesn’t matter what the scale says, I’m going to attract a lot of bad ones and maybe a couple good. I have yet to get my body to follow suit with the logic, but we’re working on it.  We’re going to work much harder on it now than we have before because I’m tired.  I’m tired of not being the me that I used to be.  My confidence is not where I like it to be, nor is my self esteem, and they do go hand in hand.  Granted, it is better than it has been in years, but I realized recently exactly how far I still have to go.   

There’s a man .. and isn’t there always?!  Anyway, this man .. I couldn’t stand him when I met him (and if we ever get to the point that you possibly read this and realize it’s about you, I’m so, so sorry .. but you really drove me nuts).   I’m not even sure what happened that changed my feeling towards him.  I guess he’s grown on me.  I don’t know him well and he’s not the type I would normally be attracted to, not by a long shot.  He’s actually quite the opposite of pretty much everything I’ve ever been attracted to, which may be a good thing … or it may be an aneurysm, who knows.  None of that is my point, though.  My point is this .. the old me would have sauntered up to him and said, “Hey, wanna go grab a bite with me?”  This me, the me I am now got so flustered when some little thing happened that made me realize I am really attracted to him that I just sounded like a moron.  Of course that may have been because I honestly had no clue and it just hit me all of a sudden like, or the aneurysm thing – it’s still a toss up.    So, yeah, I’m tired.  Tired of not being me.  Whether this thing with him ever goes anywhere or not, it’s served a purpose.  It’s made me realize just how far I have to go yet and lit the fire under me that I needed to continue my journey, not to mention it’s causing some insomnia and quite frankly, I’d really like to sleep so I’m going to have to do something. 

So, yeah, I’ve chosen badly when it has come to romantic relationships and even some friendships and I have been “I told you so’d” to death over it.  I could look back on my life and say that this person did this and that person did that and I have been so put upon and mistreated and be miserable about it all and blame everyone else for my problems, like so many people do, but I choose not to live my life that way. 

I choose to look at my life, instead, and say yes I have made mistakes – great big large bunches of them.  I have unwisely chosen friends and men that did not respect themselves and, therefore, could not respect me.  I chose a husband that was abusive, who did not respect anyone, least of all himself.  I can look back at him now without anger or malice.  I can look back and say, yes, he was the core cause of this weight gain, but I allowed him to be the cause for far too long.   I allowed him to scar me mentally and emotionally because I was afraid to leave.   When I did leave I allowed another one to carry on the emotional abuse for even longer.   I allowed it because my self esteem took a nose dive.  I did this just as much as they did.  I am not a victim, I am a survivor and I will push the rest of the way through this prison, I will break down the walls so I can get back to being me again.   

I have actually made some good choices amidst all the bad ones, too.  I have a beautiful, talented and amazing daughter who is the very center of my world, and who never ceases to amaze or amuse me.  I have surrounded myself with good friends, who I love completely and with my whole heart.  I have managed to straighten out my life for the most part with very few hiccups anymore.  I am on my way to where I want to be and will make the most of the rest of the journey by sharing it here with whoever wants to be a part of it. 

I started this blog a long time ago, thinking that I was ready to tell my story.  I had this vision about what this blog would be … but my vision has changed over the years.  This is, indeed, a love story .. a love letter to me from me.  It is me, using my voice, to shout that I am not a victim of abuse without actually telling the entire story in all its gory detail.  It is just me living my life – MY life.  I’ve been in this prison of my own making for far too long, so I’ll be making sure to color outside the lines every chance I get from here on out.    It is my hope that my journey will be the inspiration that even one person needs to take that first step.   The first step is always the hardest … but also the most worthwhile.  

Learning to Love Again

I bet you think this is going to be some sappy love story blog, don't you?  Well, it won't be sappy, but it is going to be a love story.

As I was in the throes of the pain of a nasty tummy ache and horrendous heartburn this morning from the particularly stupid binge eating episode I engaged in last night, the little light in my brain sputtered and flickered a bit before blazing into full light.  You see, I suffer from self-sabotage (amongst other things, like short term memory loss, a touch of insanity, intermittent insomnia and a terminal case of sarcasm). Several years ago I realized I had become something that I did not like, mentally, emotionally, and especially physically.  I have been working to change that ever since, but I have stalled out on the physical change.  I am going to blog the rest of the journey and will be happy to have the company of anyone that would like to come along.

I have a story to tell of bad men, bad decisions, abuse, the emotional and physical toll taken and rising from the ashes.  Maybe the telling of it will only help me complete my journey, but it is my hope that someone out there may find a bit of comfort in knowing that they are not alone, that they are not helpless to make a change. Perhaps we can  learn something together =)

This is a story about learning to love myself again.